On Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a curious thing.

On the one hand, we genuinely desire to be vulnerable with others. We know that vulnerability is essential to authenticity, and we all want to be known and loved for who we truly are.

On the other hand, while we admire vulnerability in others, too much vulnerability makes us noticeably uncomfortable.

This is especially true when that vulnerability comes from our leaders.

People often say that vulnerability in leadership is deeply attractive, but I’m not persuaded that this is entirely true. I think we like the idea of vulnerability and the appearance of vulnerability, but actual vulnerability, and too much of it, can leave us feeling decidedly unsettled.

Somewhere deep inside, we all still long for heroes who epitomise the successful realisation of the values and priorities we aspire to. Their apparent “success” assures us that our failures are only temporal and that achieving the ideals we assume they have mastered is still possible. This may be a form of conscious self-deception, but we indulge it nonetheless.

I understand that this creates tension for leaders who genuinely want to be vulnerable with the people they lead but instinctively recognise that there are types and levels of vulnerability that people will not tolerate.

Consequently, many of the expressions of vulnerability that we see from leaders are, at best, carefully managed efforts to navigate the tension or, at worst, clever rhetorical devices used to appear self-deprecating in an attempt to come across as likeable, accessible, and believable. That’s not meant to be cynical. It’s just the way things are. Most leaders are trained in persuasion, and many techniques can be employed to achieve that goal. Creating the appearance of vulnerability is just one of them.

That aside, it would be fair to say that actual vulnerability is beautiful in most instances. When someone is willing to risk being rejected or misunderstood to bring their authentic self to light (and we intuitively sense that they are not trying to manipulate us in the process), we admire their courage. We feel drawn to them because authentic vulnerability is truly attractive.

Vulnerability is a kind of honesty, perhaps the most fragile kind, and it’s precisely this kind of honesty that we need to deepen and strengthen trust in our relationships. Trust is the lifeblood of all relationships; without it, there can be no sustained intimacy.

That said, as is often the case with much of our human experience, there is another shadow side to vulnerability.

An unfortunate primal urge resides in all of us, driving us to see someone else’s vulnerability as our opportunity.

Some do not attempt to resist the urge at all or even disguise it. They are blatantly opportunistic and will relentlessly exploit the weaknesses of others in pursuit of their self-interest.

Others are more cunning and have mastered the subtle art of manipulation. They are capable of exploiting an opportunity in their favour while still appearing to be “in your corner.” These people engage in deeply selfish behaviour that is often hard to spot and difficult to “call out.”

Then, some people might genuinely see the opportunity in your vulnerability, maybe even feel the urge to exploit it, but choose to live out of love and deny themselves the chance to benefit from your moment of vulnerability. These people are few and far between, but they represent an exemplary level of maturity and selflessness.

And finally, there are your true friends. These people sincerely don’t see the opportunity in your vulnerability at all. They genuinely share your pain, feel your grief, care about your soul, and feel compelled to get involved in helping. They want nothing more than for you to survive and succeed. Thank God for people like that!

This is to say that vulnerability is an essential pathway to intimacy in relationships. It promotes authenticity and deepens trust, so we ought to courageously pursue it.

Be careful about when, where, and with whom you are vulnerable. Save your deepest vulnerability for those you love and trust.

Your vulnerability is a precious gift. Please don’t give it carelessly or mindlessly to anyone and everyone.

And if someone offers you the gift of their true vulnerability, please do everything you can to treat it with the care and respect it deserves.